Saturday, June 23, 2012

I met this girl named Corinna, she and I were talking about what we look for in people that we would consider as a future husband or wife. She said to me that she would not want to be with someone who already has kids because she wants to be the most important person in her husbands heart and she felt that if he already had kids with someone else that she would not be able to be that most important person.  At the time that seemed like an odd idea that was obviously from someone who has not had kids. I thought this because the love I have for my kids is completely different than the love I felt for my ex-wife. However I felt like it was something that would already be difficult to explain to someone who's first language is English, let alone someone who speaks English as a second language. So I just left it alone and took it as her giving the hint that "I think your nice and would like to be friends with you, but I'm not interested in going any further than that."

 Now that I've had a week to chew on that, I think she might be right.  Right now the number one lady in my life is most definitely my daughter Chloe. I love her more than words can say and think about her all the time.  So I wonder, is Corinna right? If I am fortunate enough to ever have another wife will she be number one in my heart next to my kiddos? or will she be the second most loved woman in my life. I don't know the answer to that. What I do know is that I don't want to be with someone who would be jealous of my kids, I want someone that would love me enough to know that the best way that they could show me that they love me is to love and want the best for what is most important in my life. That will always be my precious children, Chloe and Carson.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

I Wish Nothing But The Best For You

Today my brain allowed my heart to remember a taste of the joy and passion that once filled it.  The subject of marriage came up at work and one of my single friends stated that he was too independent for marriage and would not like being married. In an instance I recalled the strong feelings that lead me to get married. Without thinking or hesitation I told him and everyone else in the room that "I got married because I loved my ex and I knew that my level of happiness with her was far and above any level of happiness I could find on my own." I then got a high five from one of my sergeants. After I said it I got kind of a hot flash, I knew that I had opened up more in that moment than I ever had before in front of any of my co-workers. I had forgotten about that joy that I was filled with when I first met Stefanie and the years that followed. Those really were the happiest years of my life. As I reflected on those feelings and amazing times with newly remembered definition, I began to think about her as the lover that brought such unimaginable joy to my life. Not as the person who broke my heart into a million pieces that I am still putting back together. As I thought about her in that light, I decided that if I really love her that I should want for her to feel that way again. I really hope for the best for her and that she has found someone who has made her feel the same way that she made me feel.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened' - Dr. Seuss

Monday, November 28, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving

There are a few things from this weekend that are sticking with me.
First thing is a few lbs. I ate really good this weekend thanks to my awesome friends Brandi and Wayne McCune. Wayne got up well before the sun did and started smoking a turkey and it was delicious. Brandi cooked lots of your other traditional thanksgiving foods including a way too tasty chocolate peanut butter cheesecake. Also I was introduced to an old favorite of mine that I had never had on turkey day before, cheesy macaroni and cheese! apparently it's a staple down south, who knew? 
Later that night I got a ride home from a friend who I don't know real well but has always seemed like a very thoughtful and selfless person.  On the ride home we talked about what I have been going through since last year at thanksgiving and she shared some of her past as well. She told me about how when she was married, her family that she married into did not like or support her at all.  I felt thankful for the family that I married into, some of whom I still communicate with on Facebook and occasionally on Skype. They have let me know in words and deed that no matter what happens I will always be part of their family and for that I am very thankful.            

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Nobody said it was easy

I've been getting better at moving on with my life since it all collapsed on that sunny morning in June. The chaplain drew me a picture of what I could expect over the next year or so. It started on one side of the board where he drew a horizontal line  and wrote the word normal on the line. From there the line made a steep descent towards the bottom of the board where he wrote "bottom". He said "this is where you are going and you might feel like you're already there, but you're not." He was right, as I learned of the events that were happening at home that lead to this point in my life and recalled memories of sowing seeds of my own sin I continued to sink further and further towards bottom. I thought about those things a lot. I had several nights when I would go to bed hoping that I would not wake up and that I and the world would be better off if i never woke up.  Every morning I did wake up though, and my first thought was always "why?' Why must I re-live this awful life and think these horrible thoughts day after torturous day. I felt as though half of me had died and the other half was having to carry the dead weight and figure out how to do what the other half had done for the last eleven years. Eventually I hit the bottom, it wasn't really a dramatic splat or even a thud. The only way I knew that I had hit bottom was because I started to feel a little bit better everyday. After the chaplain had written "bottom" the line started to head back up, but it didn't stay that way. He explained to me that I would start on my way up to a new "normal" but that I would have bad days where I would go back towards "bottom". "Your going to move up and down for a while" he said, but eventually you won't fall so far and you'll move closer to that new normal. I've only had one day that I felt I was falling back to the bottom, that was on October 15 when I learned that my divorce had gone final the day before. I felt like it was probably comparable to when you have a terminally ill loved one and you know they're living their last days. When that last day comes you still feel the pain of the loss and probably more than you thought you would. I still think about Stef everyday and I probably will for a while, but I think that's a good thing for right now. I think of it like a workout for my heart, every time I do a rep my muscle hurts a little bit but I know it's the pain of getting stronger.   Eventually I will find my new normal.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

How I feel is nothing new. David felt the same way

9 Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am in distress. My sight is blurred because of my tears. My body and soul are withering away. 10 I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Misery has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within. - Psalm 31:9-10

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Notes on Fear

How to get rid of FEAR:
three antidotes to fear :truth, love, faith

FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real

There are 365 "fear nots" in the Bible

The Invisible War – Part 7
Rick Warren
August 13-14, 2011

1. ______unload all my frustration on God___________________________________________
“I am a man who has seen affliction, by the rod of his wrath. He has driven me away and made me walk in darkness

rather than light; he has turned his hand against me again and again, all day long. He has made my skin grow old

and broken my bones. He has surrounded me with bitterness and hardship. He has made me dwell in darkness like the

dead. He has walled me in so I cannot escape; he has weighed me down with chains. Even when I call out or cry for

help, he shuts out my prayer. He has barred my way with blocks of stone; he has made my paths crooked.”
Lamentation 3:1-10 (NIV)

2. _turn my focus from my pain to God's love__________________________________________________
“The thought of my pain and my homelessness is bitter poison. I think of it constantly, and my spirit is depressed.

Yet hope returns when I remem- ber this one thing: The Lord's unfailing love and mercy still continue, fresh as the

morning, as sure as the sunrise. The Lord is all I have, so in him I put my hope.”
Lamentation 3:19-26 (TEV)

“The Lord is merciful and will not reject us forever. He may bring us sorrow, but his love for us is sure and

strong. He takes no pleasure in causing us grief or pain.”
Lamentation 3:31-33 (TEV)

3. _____get alone with God and wait!

“When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions.

Wait for hope to appear.”
Lamentation 3:28-29 (Mes)

“The Lord is good to everyone who trusts in him, so it is best for us to wait in patience—to wait for him to save

Lamentation 3:25-26 (TEV)

4. __Change the things I can change_______________________________________________
“Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.”
Lamentation 3:40 (NIV)

5. _______Ask God to relieve my fears__________________________________________
“My enemies threw me into a pit and dropped stones on me. The water flowed above my head, and I cried out, ‘This is

the end!’ But I called on your name, Lord, from deep within the well, and you heard me! You listened to my

pleading; you heard my weeping! Yes, you came at my despairing cry and told me, ‘Do not fear!’”
Lamentation 3:53-57 (NLT)

6. expect Jesus to resore my life _________________________________________________

“Restore us, O Lord, and bring us back to you again! Give us back the joys we once had!”
Lamentation 5:21 (NLT)